Peach's Bizarre Valentine
by Variabels - Some Roy Main
Summary: Peach has always dreamed of the perfect Valentine's date. When she finally gets set up on a date with Link thanks to her friend, Marth, the date takes a bizarre turn. Mostly a joke fic about friendship with no actual ships. And yes, the title is a Jojo reference.


A/N: I really wanted to write a Valentine's story with Peach in it. There aren't really any ships in this unless you interpret certain sentences with shipping goggles. They're pretty obvious if you look at my profile where I have written all the ships I like.

Hope you enjoy this joke fic.

* * *

It was Valentine's Day at the Smash Mansion. No one was excited as Princess Peach. The princess had always dreamed of the perfect romantic date. Sadly every year was ruined by Mario and Bowser trying to hit on her. It seemed as though they still didn't get that "I just want to stay friends" meant she wasn't attracted to them.

When she arrived at the Smash Mansion for the first time ever, she learned that hot guys actually existed. The hottest of them all was Link. Peach tried asking Zelda for help but nothing worked out. Eventually, Link went back to his home and his descendant, Link but even hotter, took his place as the object of Peach's affections.

As time went on, more hot anime guys came to Smash Mansion. Rumor has it that it's Marth and Roy's fault. But even with all the new additions, Peach still thought Link was the hottest.

* * *

Peach sighed as she woke up. She was going to be alone for Valentine's day, again. She put on her cutest dress quietly as to not wake Zelda, Rosalina and Jigglypuff up and left their room. She went to the cafeteria, got her food and sat down. Samus saw her all alone and decided to join her.

"Is there something wrong, Peach"  
"I'm going to be alone for Valentine's day," Peach sulked, "You're lucky, you get so much attention."  
"I don't like the attention I get. Don't Mario and Bowser always ask you out?"  
"Yeah, but I don't see them as more than friends. The person I like is Link."  
"Maybe you could ask his friends for advice?"  
"You're right. I get along with Marth. I can ask him for help! Thank you, Samus!" Peach grinned as she ran out of the cafeteria.

* * *

She ran through the hallway before stopping in front of the door to Marth's room. As she was about to knock, the door opened and Roy came out.

"Hi, Peach. What are you doing here?"  
"I'm looking for Marth," Peach said as she took a peek into the room, "Why's the room on fire?"  
"Marth and Link were fighting again so I tried to stop them. We all ended up in a huge argument and kinda wrecked the whole room."  
"Okay, can I speak to Marth?"  
"I guess it's fine. Try not to set yourself on fire."

Peach entered the room and looked for Marth. He was sitting on his bed which was surrounded by fire. He looked extremely annoyed.

"Marth, can we speak?" the princess asked.  
"About what?"  
"I need some advice. I'd like to go on a date with Link."  
"With Link? I don't know what you see in him but all right. I guess I can set you two up."

* * *

Peach was extremely happy the rest of the day. Marth had chosen some expensive fancy restaurant with good reviews. Peach was excited about her date with Link. She was telling all her friends about it. Zelda was really interested and asked Peach to tell her everything afterward.

In order to know what to do during her date, Peach decided to talk to Robin, the only married woman in the Smash Mansion. She found her in the lounge making out with Chrom as Lucina stared in disapproval. Peach waited for the couple to notice her before asking for advice. They told her the fastest way to a man's heart was through battle and supports, whatever that meant. Peach was advised to be herself during her date and to not talk about politics, money or religion.

* * *

In the evening, Peach chose her nicest dress and skipped happily all the way to the restaurant while singing "La, la la". Once she arrived, she saw Link and Marth talking. Marth went up to her and pushed her towards Link. Peach was really happy that Marth decided to help her.

"Zelda ate something that made her sick and since she didn't want all of my planning to go to waste, she said that her BFF Peach should take her place," the blue-haired man that looked more like a girl explained while Link glared at him.

'Oh, no… Link is going to be angry during the whole date but… It's better than nothing,' Peach thought.

She turned around to look at Marth but he was gone. She had no way to save herself if something went wrong.

A waiter arrived to show them to their table. Peach looked at her menu nervously, she wasn't sure what to pick. If she picked something greasy or common Link might think of her weirdly. When the waiter returned, Peach ordered some expensive French dish with a hard to pronounce name and an expensive wine, Link asked for a coke and a double cheeseburger without all the disgusting vegetables and salad.

* * *

On the other side of the restaurant, Marth was sitting with Roy, Ike and Pit. He was telling his friends about his plan to make Link and Peach's date perfect until the end where they'd crash it.

"How are we going to ruin it? Did you register the table under Link's credit card or something?" Pit asked.  
"No, I registered their table under my name and this one under Roy's," Marth answered.  
"Excuse me, it appears there has been a mistake. Someone else also used the name Marth Lowell for their reservations," a waiter explained, "Would you mind moving to a table on the other side of the room?"  
"That bi-" Marth said before he was cut off by Roy.  
"We don't mind."

The group was lead to a table close to Link and Peach's. It was right at an angle where Link couldn't see but Peach could see everything. Once they sat down, Roy glared at his best friend.

"So I'm the one who's going to have to pay for their date?" the redhead complained, "Peach is going to order the most expensive items on the menu. I can't afford that kind of food."  
"Aren't you from a noble family?" Pit asked.  
"Yes, but my dad's still alive so I haven't inherited anything and don't ask about my mom."  
"At least you don't have to pay for four people," Marth said.  
"I doubt any of us will take anything that expensive. All the expensive stuff is in French."  
"What about all the food Ike and Pit are going to eat? They're probably going to order one of everything now that they know I'm paying."

* * *

"I swear I could hear Marth and Roy fighting…" Link said.  
"You're just imagining things," Peach laughed nervously as she looked at the two swordsmen fighting in the background.

The duo sat in silence until they heard a scream. Their waiter was on fire. Someone managed to stop the fire and call an ambulance. Link and Peach just stared in shock. Link told Peach that another waiter would bring their food and drinks.

30 minutes later, Peach and Link's drink still hadn't arrived. Their friends decided to take matters into their own hands. Pit sneaked into the waiter's changing room and grabbed some uniforms. Meanwhile, Roy looked for the order, he found one with "Roy" written on it and took it, confused at the huge amount of food being ordered. Once the group had everything necessary, they gave each other roles. Pit would be the new waiter, Ike had to take care of the drinks and desserts while Roy and Marth attempted to cook.

"Here are your drinks, we're sorry for the long wait. Our waiter had an accident."  
"Pit? Since when do you work here?" the Hylian asked.  
"Eh… I recently started," the flightless angel lied.

Link fell for the lie but Peach knew what was really going on. Sure, she was a blonde princess but she wasn't an idiot. She knew Roy had, possibly accidentally, set their waiter on fire. Nevertheless, Peach accepted her wine which was actually grape juice for some reason.

* * *

"Long ago, the cooks cooked in harmony. Then, everything changed when the two Fire Emblem lords attacked. Only the head chef, master of the culinary arts, could stop them, but when the kitchen needed him most, he vanished," one of the cooks said while recording himself for his story on Snapchat before having his phone grabbed from his hand and cut with Marth's Falchion.  
"No, phones in the kitchen. Anyway, who's the best cook here?" Marth demanded to know.

Everyone pointed at the cook named Ramsey Gordon who had been named after Gordon Ramsey and had the same cooking prowess but not the temper of the beloved British chef. He had been ordered to cook Link's burger while the others focused on whatever the order meant for Peach was.

"So, we have to cook a ratatouille. We need a pan," Roy said as he read a recipe on his phone.  
"I'll show you how to use it. Peach once showed me how to use one," his best friend replied while taking a pan out of a shelf.

The blue haired prince swung the pan as if it were a tennis racket and hit one of the cooks. Roy copied him and hit another cook. Ike came in to ask if there was anything he could do to help and he was told to swing a pan, which he did. He hit a cook who fell and caused a domino effect leaving just two cooks standing: Ramsey Gordon and Oliver Jamie. It took most of the cooks passing out for the three Fire Emblem lords to notice they were using the pans wrong.

* * *

By the time the lords had finally started cooking correctly, Link and Peach had managed to strike an actual conversation. Peach was telling Link the story of her life when Pit arrived with the food. He gave Link his food and brought another table to deposit the princess's large order which she hadn't actually ordered.

When Pit was about to leave, Link grabbed his arm and faked a smile.

"Why don't you stay and eat with us? Peach ordered quite a lot and I'm sure she needs help finishing her food."  
"Uh…"

Link turned at an angle where Peach couldn't see his face and made a 'help me' face. Pit immediately felt bad.

"I'll go ask Mar- my manager if I can stay and eat with you two."

Pit went to the kitchen and Marth agreed to let him eat with Link and Peach. When Pit left, a waiter came running in. He told everyone that one client had gotten the wrong order and that they were very angry.

Marth and Roy decided to go see their angry client.

"You were expecting Dio, but it was I, Roy!" the young koopa laughed.  
"Hey, Marth, can I set him on fire?"  
"Hey, Marth, can I get my right order?"

The two Roys started arguing and threatening to set the whole restaurant.

"Roy, shut up!" Marth shouted.  
"Which Roy are you talking to?" the koopa asked.  
"Uh…"  
"Obviously, you. You're the lame Roy," Roy said.  
"What? I'm really cool, hot and awesome!" the other Roy protested.  
"You, hot? As if. Ask Marth who's hotter, he'll say me."  
"All right. Marth, who's hotter Roy or Roy?"  
"Roy's hotter," the blue-haired man replied annoyed.  
"Damn it, which Roy is he talking about?"  
"I don't know. Uh, which Roy would you rather date?"  
"Roy, I guess."

* * *

While the Roy shenanigans were taking place, Pit, Link and Peach were finishing their dinner.

'I feel like such a third wheel. Link obviously called Pit because he was tired of me,' the princess thought to herself.

'I know Link called me to keep him company but I still feel like a third wheel. I missed out on the whole beginning of Peach's story,' the angel told himself.

'Damn it. Why am I not feeling like the third wheel?' Link mentally complained.

"We should order dessert!" Peach smiled.  
"I'll go get a menu," Pit announced leaving his seat.

Pit decided to take his time looking for the dessert menu, mainly because he didn't know where it was and he was tired of feeling like the third wheel. He ended up asking Ike to bring the menu. That turned out to be a bad idea because Link asked Ike to stay, unironically. He was actually happy someone he actually liked was in the restaurant. And what did that mean? It meant chatterbox Link mode had been activated.

* * *

"All right, Link seems to be pretty happy," Marth said while using newspapers as binoculars.  
"It's soon going to be time for you know what," Roy smirked, "I'm going to the toilet."  
"Yeah, sure. Wait! Link's going to-"

But it was too late, Roy had already left. Roy was walking towards the toilet when he saw Link also walking towards the toilet.

"Hey, Link! What are you doing here?"  
"I'm going to the toilet."  
"Interesting… Anyway, why are you in such a fancy restaurant?"  
"Marth set me up. He said that he'd get Zelda to come but she's sick. Marth probably poisoned her food because of some deal with Peach."  
"I'm sure he didn't mean to poison Zelda's food," Roy replied nervously remembering when Marth asked him to poison Zelda's food earlier.

Link shrugged at the redhead's reply and entered the toilet. Once Link was out of sight, Marth ran towards Roy and asked him to come back.

"Hey, there's no toilet paper in-" Link said before stopping at the sight of Marth, "Hi, Marth."  
"Hi, Link. How are you doing? Having a nice time?" Marth replied sarcastically.  
"Simply the best, are you alone? Did you come with Roy?"  
"You jealous?" Marth joked clinging onto Roy's arm.

The slightly taller man looked at his friends' sarcasm battle with confusion.

'What the f**k are they doing?' our boy Roy asked himself.

* * *

Link returned to his table which made everyone have a dilemma. Was Link coming back a good or bad thing? It didn't really make a difference because it was now dessert time. The now foursome waited for their dessert to come. It turned out all the waiters had left, but the four friends didn't know that so they assumed their waiter was on fire or some shit like that.

After waiting for an hour, Marth and Roy arrived with a huge badly decorated cake which had 'Congratulations on your engagement' written on it with bad handwriting. What was on everyone's mind was: who's getting engaged? Everyone looked at everyone in confusion. To stop the staring, Marth told them that the two people who got a ring in their cake where the ones getting engaged. Roy cut the cake and gave everyone their pieces.

However, Link insisted that he get Marth's piece and everyone started fighting over the pieces. They somehow sorted it out and Ike ended up with two rings. Everyone in the restaurant congratulated him on his engagement to himself.

Due to all the chaos that had been created, Marth bought the restaurant to avoid lawsuits and he let the costumers go for free, except Roy. Roy had to pay for Link and Peach's dinner.

The group of friends was sitting around a table drinking coke. Peach decided to get up for a speech.

"You know, I had always dreamed of the perfect Valentine' day date with the man I loved. Today, my date ended up a huge mess but it made me realize something. A crazy day with friends is much more fun than a perfect date. There are many types of love besides romantic love. Friendship is one of them and it is even more important than romantic love. Romance comes and go but your friends will always be there for you. I want to thank all of you for creating this amazing and unforgettable evening."

The costumers clapped.

"I hope we can do this again next year! I love you all, you are all my dear friends."  
"Peach is right. We might have accidentally critically injured the cooks but we still had fun," Ike smiled.  
"Yeah! The food was pretty good," Pit grinned.  
"Messing everything up definitely was fun," Roy laughed.  
"I guess this evening was a bit fun," Link said in a tsundere kind of way.  
"Wait, wait, wait. This night was supposed to be shit and now we're ending it in the most anime way ever by saying it was fun?" Marth, the sole voice of reason, said.  
"Yeah," the Hylian smirked.  
"Oh, well… Whatever, not like I care," Marth blushed.

Everyone laughed and spent the rest of the evening having fun.

* * *

Epilogue:

Bowser was extremely confused. Why were his children drunk when he ordered grape juice for them? It couldn't be, could it? The waiter thought grape juice was sarcasm for wine!

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading. I'm sorry for my inactivity. School has been taking a lot of my time and since it's February, I have a cold (I'm almost fully recovered). I spent my whole day writing this joke fic.

Due to school stuff and me going on multiple trips, I won't be done with the next SSB x Danganronpa chapter until late March or early April (I hope to finish the whole fanfiction by the beginning of the next school year).


End file.
